Decisions, Decisions

What a week it has been. Because school hasn't started I haven't really been doing anything...just hanging out everyday and trying to entertain myself. This makes it hard for me because when I am not busy I have too much time to think.

I think in the past I have looked at people's blogs and wondered how on earth they can post such personal things or tell everyone how they feel. It just doesn't seem like the place to do it! But, alas, here I am a world away, with so much to say, and no one to say it to. So my blog might become just what I always never understood.

I woke up this morning feeling overwhelmed with the idea of being here. There is a lot to be said, but a lot of this cannot be said on my blog. However, I will say that there is constantly two ideas floating around in my head. Should I bag this whole french thing? or... Should I look the world in the face and do everything, no matter how hard and stick it out. I see both as options that I could really do. I know that if I go home at this point I will be angry as soon as I get on the plane wondering why on earth I walked away from what could have been an amazing opportunity. But staying here seems like its incredibly difficult. I have been here only one week I realize, by my perfectionism is telling me that I should have learned so much in this one week. The second idea won. Mostly, because this morning as I hung out my fresh laundry to dry (no dryer here:)) and I listened to church music I felt that it was going to be okay. For a brief moment I felt like I was on my mission again, on P-Day preparing for the upcoming week of hard work and a lot of mistakes. Which, ironically, is exactly what this upcoming week will be filled with. A lot of hard work, and a lot of mistakes.

Yesterday, I walked around the city in the early evening a little, and ended up in the city center where two 17 yr. old boys approached me. After a flurry of french, and a confused face from me, we were able to communicate that I was from Canada and only spoke a little french. They offered me a smoke, told me I was really beautiful and proceeded to have a conversation with me. It was a little entertaining because if I didn't understand something I would tell them, and then the game of charades started. As I sat there I couldn't help but laugh in my head and think wow, we are acting out what we want to say because of a language barrier. So funny.

Since coming here, there have been so many moments where I have stopped and just wanted to cry because it seems too hard to learn french. For some reason though, I have not been able to cry at all...I just feel like well, I'm here so I might as well endure this as cheerfully as I can. I hope that despite my loneliness, I am able to love this experience just as much as I loved my mission.