500 jours. . .

Right now I'm sitting in a dirty corner of the University of Nantes using the only power outlet I could find and using the remaining time of my break to let off a little steam. It has been a long weekend for me but a good one. I was able to hear a bit of general conference and I spoke with my brother Scott on Skype which was a huge boost to my spirits here.

I didn't speak a lot of french this weekend as I should and mostly because I just don't seem to have anyone to speak to. Today after class, listening to some general conference and thinking about the things I can do to be better in my life, I just feel so much. It's raining...again...and the forecast says it will be all week, so its a good thing that rain and I are friends. I wish for a little sunshine though.

I ordered a hot chocolate in the cafe here and tried to listen to some general conference talks as I drank it and I couldn't help but watch all the students here as they interacted and ate and chatted. I'm not sure why, but I just don't love this university. It's a hollow empty building, with lines of smokers outside blowing smoke in my face as I leave and enter every doorway. No one smiles at you or seems to care who you are. No friendly bright eyes. It's cold. The bathrooms are like torture chambers and everytime I use one I feel like I've just contracted an STD or some kind of unhealable disease. I never feel clean even after I bathe and my clothes are still damp when I put them on because nothing here seems to have the ability to dry out!! So, I admit, I guess my spirits are feeling a little of what I have just described. I guess it is just one of those days. I need a shot of warmth.

I did do better on my 2nd exam...a lot better and even though after reviewing my exam to find I made some really silly mistakes and I knew better, its still okay, because now those things are just engrained into my mind even more!

Today in my class, I got a note passed to me that said, Hilary...500 jours. I was like what!! Who is this from?! Then I look over and Yuji, the nicest Chinese girl in my class is laughing and smiling at me... the first thing that came to my mind was - is this a death threat or what, because on Friday she nomintaed me to present our group's work in front of the class after she was supposed to do it and so I looked at her and pretended to slit my throat and die...and since then she has been thinking I'm really funny I guess and likes to joke with me even more than she did before. It's kinda of funny. But as it turns out, the note was for how many days she thinks it will take a group of 20 bikers to travel around the world. haha. It's for a school presentation we have to give. haha.

Bisous! xx.

Pdauu to Becca

My life in the last few days hasn’t been overly exciting, which is the main reason for my blog becoming so bare. With another test to study for and take, which I think I did a lot better on compared to last time, I have been steadily memorizing and trying to learn verbs, conjugations, grammar and sentence structuring of questions! All I have to say is that I wish my parents would have put me in French immersion as a small child, but then again…it’s because they didn’t that I am here in France today. So to my parents, I guess I forgive you…the crepes in France taste awesome. Haha.

The weather has been crazy here. Cold and rainy, and then the sun comes out and makes you feel like it might be the beginning of September again, when really winter is just waiting to pounce on us at any given moment. I think the thing that frustrated me the most with the weather here is that without a dryer my clothes can take DAYS to dry. The moist, humid air here doesn’t allow for anything to completely dry…sometimes even you feel as though you never dry either. It seeps into every pore and stays there until you take a hot bath.

I have to admit I was relieved when the weekend arrived and I knew I didn’t have class. Sometimes the university feels so cold and the hours drag on so slowly that I feel as though all circulation of blood in my veins has stopped. There is this guy in my class that creeps me out and is constantly staring in my direction…without failure everyday its awaiting me. I walk into class and there he is sitting nearby. I try to avoid his gaze at all costs because it seems like the more friendly I am, the more he stares!! A girl in my class named Yuji always laughs when she sees my reaction to him and whispers or mouths across the room “He love you!” yup- not he loves you…”he love you.” It makes me laugh every time.

I’m starting to get to know the other students in my class. We are all so different. We come from many different countries, we are all different ages, we look completely different because of our nationality and cultures. It’s a lot of fun to get to know them and to learn about them and why they have decided to study French. I have become somewhat of the class clown because I am always making jokes or giving funny looks. They always are talking to me and laughing at me and its nice to know I’ve made my way into the “you’re okay circle.” It always is hard when you feel like no once accepts you. It also makes class a lot more enjoyable because we can laugh along with each other when we make mistakes and sound ridiculous trying to say words phonetically correct. In my phonetics class this week we were learning some new things and to help us the teacher played a French song and it was so funny because we were all totally being nerds and dancing and singing along and pretty soon our whole class was really into it and the teacher thought we were for real, (cause she was totally for real) but we were all just laughing doing stupid things to get attention from each other. There was one point in the class where we were all laughing so hard that not one of us could even say a word because laughter would come out instead. I liked that day a lot.

This upcoming weekend I am going to be in Paris. A group of students and friends I know from BYU-Idaho will be there on their European tour and I am going to visit them and also just enjoy a weekend away in one of the most famous cities in the world. I haven’t actually had a chance yet to really visit Paris so it should be really fun…especially because I won’t have to see it alone. I wish Becca was here to come…and a few other people.

Sometimes I get so homesick for Becca that it really hurts. I just want to lay on my bed and listen to music with her and talk. Even though we have so many different opinions due to different life experiences, I just miss her company. She is my sister and one of my best friends. I can’t help but miss her.

Bisous! xx.

Bravo!!

Bravo Hilary! These are the words I am thinking about today. My teacher was so happy with me because as we were learning a new concept, and all the other students were asking questions and sitting there confused and I finally raised my head and in my broken French tried to say if what I was thinking was correct and she was happy and said Bravo Hilary!! And then she proceeded to praise me for a few minutes. My glory didn’t last long, but it sure boosted my confidence.

Today as I was in the park and I saw this man… and I was like are you serious???? So there ya go- poor guy had no idea I quickly snapped a shot, but honestly, did he think that no one was going to see him?

I felt like today the heaven’s were opened today and I did so much better at the university. I sat by the river again today for a long time and it was just peaceful to be there and to think about things in my life and about what a great opportunity it is to be here. The time sure flies by quickly. In only 3 weeks I am going to be in Germany and Sweden and I cannot believe that is coming up. I just feel so incredibly blessed to be here and to have so many wonderful people in my life who strengthen me. So thank you to everyone.

I have been speaking French again today. I am still making a thousand mistakes when I speak, but at least I’m not stopping for 20 seconds in between each word! Now its only like 4-5 seconds. Haha. That’s improvement right??

France has been so great for me so far. I can already see a lot of things that Heavenly Father needed to show me. Why is it that all the big lessons in my life are taught to me in Europe?

Bisous! xx.

Liason

I got a lot of sleep last night and I think it was something I needed. I woke up a few times in the night but when it was time to get up I wasn’t as tired as I usually feel. I went to school and arrived early and helped a girl with her homework. This girl doesn’t speak a word of French and I’m not really sure why she is in our class. I think she needs to be in the beginner class because she never does anything and just sits there. Kinda weird.

We learned a lot about asking questions today which is something I really really need to work on. I was pretty happy we were covering it until I realized there was a lot of new things I didn’t really understand and when the teacher asked me to give the answer for one of the questions, I totally got it wrong and she always rebukes me when I get something wrong by saying in her French accent – Hilary! Non!!! And I just look at her with my embarrassed and somewhat surprised look that says more than – I don’t understand!! I was happy when the class finished so I could review and ask some of the other students in english what on earth we learned. I think I get it a little better now, but wow, my questioning skills are not the greatest. I had a 3 hour break today so I went a portion of my tuition, bought a baguette and rode the tram to the river where I sat and wrote out some postcards. It was a bit cold today and I should have worn one of my wool coats, but once the wool coats come out they stay out!! I am getting excited to dress all warm for school though. I really like it! I went to school and got my student card finally and it was so funny because the man who helped me was speaking so fast and I just looked at him with that same look I give me teacher and said umm oui? And he was like haha…and he basically walked me to each place in the uni I had to go to get it done which was extremely kind of him and I am sure it wasn’t in his job description!!

I have been listening to French music today and trying really hard to listen to people as I walk by. It is really frustrating trying so hard to just catch a few words but never know what on earth people are saying!

In my phonetics class, the teacher asked me to repeat this really long phrase and it was so funny because we were talking about liasons and enchainements today and I was laughing while trying to say it because everyone in my class was laughing for some reason. Probably because the teacher sings everything to us. I feel like I’m in a cartoon in that class. This really cool girl named Yuji from China ran up to me before class and was asking me in broken English and French if she could come get a crepe with me this week and I was like of course. She sat by me in the next class and we just laughed the entire time. My teacher was like Hilary! Repeat, repeat and then finally I either said it good enough or she just got tired me not speaking well and moved on. I swear everyone in my class was laughing so hard. It wasn’t that I couldn’t say it, it was just difficult to say when I was laughing so hard cause you really have to move your mouth in a certain way. I also finally figured out why I am not understanding when people speak to me! It was as if a light went on in my brain saying HIL! The liason and enchainement which is how the words slur together is making things sound so much different than when the words are on their own! I know a lot of vocabulary and verbs but when they are formed in a sentence with other words, they sound a lot different. Maybe everyone else knew this, but I finally felt like I knew the reason. Maybe I'm not dumb after all. After class I talked to my teacher about it in french and she told me that this is really true. It sounds very different than the words just alone so I felt a lot better. I need to keep speaking, listening, and trying to notice it.

My conversation class was really fun today. We had a tennis ball that we would throw to other students and ask certain questions that were on the board and they forced us to speak a lot. It was interesting to hear the answers from the other students and its cool because we help each other speak and the teacher is really creative with the ways she tries to explain things/concepts we don’t understand. I always end up talking a lot in that class.

As I was on the tram home today I was noticing all the different people. The tram wasn’t as crowded as it usually is because I took the one that no one really takes. I noticed a man across from me and was really curious about his life. He was a weathered man. His skin and eyes looked so tired and his hands were strong and calloused. I then looked at a few other people. A woman with her shopping, short and plump with rosy cheeks and little beedy eyes and a teenage girl looking as though she was finding herself. I couldn’t help but think of all the different lives on that tram and how different we all are. We each have a story but no one will ever know what it is because we just walk by one another without a single word or expression. I think we judge people so badly in the first 30 seconds we see them. That is all it takes after all to make a first impression right? So what kind of impression am I giving to people in those 30 seconds. Here I am, 25 years old, with a lot of experiences, knowledge and personality, and someone simply conjures my 25 years in 30 seconds. Crazy isn’t it?? The way we dress, speak, the way we look at others, our body language, the way we even smell or chew gum. The makeup we wear, the way we stand…it’s all taken into account within that 30 seconds of the first impression. Maybe I am weird, but I think about this a lot when I am standing on the tram and I’m surrounded by tons of people from different walks of life. I look at them and make my judgments and I try to be fair to them. Some you can tell right away don’t have the same opportunities for education or wealth as others, but some, you really just wonder who they are. I was sitting across from this girl about my age today and some guy bent over just beside her and bumped into pretty much with his butt and it was funny so I smiled at her and chuckled to myself…and she looked back at me with this look like, oh – she seems nice and I guess I can laugh too. Then every time something happened around us that was a little weird she would look at me and smile. It was like we made this silent friendship on the tram. The occasional glance and smile secured the friendship more than words did.

I am back at the flat now with Vanessa and we are about to read in the Book of Mormon to practice my French. We have been speaking in French since I walked in the door and already I can feel its helping me! The more I speak in French the more I remember and the more I think in it. I hope that by doing this each day it will come a lot easier. We have been speaking English too much!! Vanessa and Melanie are so great because they help me with my homework and explain to me things that I don’t understand in English. Without their patience and help, I would be a disaster!

I am sooo tired right now. My brain must be exhausted. It’s a good exhausted though. Looks like it will be an early night pour moi!

Bisous! xx.

My Frontal Lobe is Developed!

The Young Singles Adults in the stake met this weekend in Angers, a city about 1 ½ hours away from Nantes, where I am studying. We met there yesterday afternoon and were taught by the stake president for about one hour. As he spoke, I really was only catching bits of his message, but I could tell he was really feeling a lot as he spoke and I could feel the spirit really strong. Then there was song practice for the upcoming stake conference in November. The YSA are the choir for the conference and we were singing Master the Tempest is Raging and a medley of songs that I don’t think they are going to sing anymore because it was too hard to learn that fast. They don’t get together too often so this was a special occasion for them. There was a dance next and everyone got ready for it right there at the church and all the girls put on their party dresses. It’s a really big thing here to have a dance. Then we went to the dance. As you can see, the dance floor was packed! (see photos)

We went to a family’s home out in the country to stay the night in Angers and I stayed in a room with Melanie and it was really nice because we stayed up and had some good conversations about our lives and the experiences that we’d had. We have a lot in common and I really love her. We also ate a lot of chocolate which made the experience even better. It felt like a Friday sleepover with your best friend at age 15. We pretty much talked about boys the whole time and binged on chocolate. Haha. I suggest one of these nights a year to every girl reading this. It was so much fun. Then during the night, because we were sharing a double bed, I think Melanie forgot it was me in the bed and not her fiancé, she kept trying to cuddle with me and I was like ahhh!!! Haha. So in the morning as we were getting ready I teased her about it.

The family we stayed with had this adorable beagle and I was kinda in love with it. I was getting out of the car in the dark and I felt something wet on my leg and I was like euuughhh.. And then I turned around and to my delight my new friend stood there and then I just couldn’t stop giving him love. I wanted to keep him. So I think I am going to get a dog when I am home.

As you can see, we packed a lot for going away for one night! Haha. I remember one time when I was 19, I came home for Christmas after being away at college, and I walked in the front door, shook the snow off my boots, and had a few bags and then I had to go back out to get the rest of my things and my dad came in the front hallway where my bags and shoes were piling up and asked me if I was moving back home or something?! Haha.

Church was next. I didn’t understand a lot. Everyone spoke fairly fast, and by the end of it, I felt like it didn’t matter how fast or slow they spoke, I just simply wasn’t getting it. I feel like no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to make things stick in my head. I was sitting in sacrament meeting and I just felt so overwhelmed. I thought, why on earth did I come here at age 25?! The proven age the frontal lobe in your brain is fully developed! What does this mean for me? If I would have come last year I would have more hope of learning this language? Now? What are the odds? The only reason I even had this thought is because when I worked at the law firm in Canada, there was an assistant there who always would mention how young people needed to wait and make big decisions after their frontal lobe was fully developed…apparently at age 25!

We ate lunch after and got in the car to head back home. We were lucky to catch a ride with a friend from church! My eyes filled with tears as I sat there, just wishing so badly that I could catch on and understand. As I was looking out my window a million things were running through my mind and then I noticed the most beautiful clouds with sunbeams shooting out in every direction. My thoughts paused for a minute and I thought to myself, “Heavenly Father, if you can make that happen, if you can direct the creation of the earth, if you can hear and answer prayers, then I KNOW you can help me, this helpless random girl, learn French. I am, afterall your daughter. Please, will you help me?” Then I closed my eyes and fell asleep.

Bon Appétit!

The tests were handed back this morning and when she called my name I could feel my whole body tensing up hoping the damage wouldn’t be as bad as I thought. She paused at my desk and said a bunch of French words I couldn’t understand but I didn’t need to understand because as I looked up I could hear in her voice and see on your face that she was as disappointed as I was. The good news? I passed… barely!

The other students (I can think of at least 4, failed miserably). I think the first test was a surprise to everyone. As I sat there thinking about the corrections we were going over I wanted to hit my head against the wall because I knew so many of these things, but totally choked on the test. I had so many thoughts coming into my head as I sat there feeling like I failed. It’s almost been one month and I still struggle to understand a lot of things in class and around me. Why is this taking so long? What am I doing wrong? Maybe I should just call my parents and ask to come home…but why? What would that solve? Why would I want to leave this anyways? It’s hard…but not so hard that I can’t do it. Can I do this? Maybe I will never learn French. Over and over these thoughts just came flooding my mind with nowhere to go. So when the teacher asked us to get into groups of 3 and I was put with girls that don’t speak English, one of the girls being the “smart” one in the class, I could feel my mind being completely consumed with discouragement. We were supposed to give our opinion about French musicians, artists and painters. She just immediately starts writing and erasing I almost thought we were in a race with the other students. She had this eraser that she would frantically erase the words and sentences she was trying to say, so by the end of my staring out the window and mumbling sounds to make it seem like I was interested to what she was saying, the desk was filled with eraser shavings. The other girl was as helpless as me, only she looked like she might start crying. A few times, to try and contribute to whatever it was she was saying, I gave her my opnion and tried to add it and she would look at me and then pause, mmm to herself and then keep writing her own stuff. Most of the sentences she wrote made absolutely no sense to me, not because of my lack of education in sentence structure, but because whatever she was trying to say was not being presented clearly to anyone. When I finally glanced down at my watch and saw it was almost time to go I was more than eager to let her volunteer to present it to the class. She stood up, and started off by je this and je that (which means I), and the teacher interrupted her and said NOUS (which means we)…which I think may have been the first time she realized that she was in a group. WOW. Glad that’s over. I decided the only way to make this day better was to get crepes. So on the tram, a bunch of classmates and I decided to go into commerce and try a new place. The crepes were more than amazing. I bought a ham, egg and cheese one because I was starving for some breakfast and then it came with a jus de pomme (apple juice) and a sweet crepe (I got blueberries- thought I would try something new). I asked a lady in the shop in my French if she could take a picture of us and it was so awesome because I messed up the conjugation of the verb “to take” and she corrected me. She was so nice and kind about it that it just made me happy. I knew the conjugation already and felt a little silly for saying it incorrectly.

It’s finally the weekend and I am looking forward to it. I have been laying on my bed trying to listen to the CES Broadcast by Elder Scott, but I can only manage to get half of it and I can’t seem to get the text in order to read it. Rubbish!

My evening is going to be filled with studying verbs and conjugations and memorize everything I SHOULD have known on my test! I can’t think of a better way to spend a Friday night in France! Haha (eye roll).

Bisous! xx.

These are a few of my favourite things!

I have spent my day studying verbs after some great tutoring from Melanie who is amazingly gifted with languages! And…reading the Hunger Games book 2! I don’t know what it is about these books but they are seriously addicting! I told Melanie about the first book when I got here and she read it and then went and bought the 2^nd and now she is reading the 3^rd! So she is one book ahead of me. It’s funny. We are both just sitting inside reading. It’s stormy today anyways, so it’s a great day to curl up and grab a book. I remember on my mission when I would be tracting in the pouring rain and wind I would think, one day, I am going to be inside curled up on the couch with a good book and for some reason, it just helped to give my best in that moment while I was tracting! You never get an experience back once it passes… and if you do, you are lucky, but it will never be the same. We change so much with time. I can look back and think, if I could do that over again, I would …. Well the fact is, you did the best you knew how at that moment. And your best at any moment is all that is asked.

I decided to learn 15-20 new verbs everyday…at least try! I think the more verbs and vocabulary I know, the easier it will be for me to speak. The whole sentence structure will come and it is…

My sister Becca and my brother Scott are getting ready to leave on their mission…I guess in about 2 months. It is crazy to think that they are going to be gone when I get back from France. I will miss them a lot. Then it is back to BYU-Idaho for me and my brother Dave. I don’t know who I am going to sing David Archuletta with or High School Musical songs with… I’m sure most who are reading this are assuming that Becca and I sing these songs right? Well, yes, but Scott also sings them! He knows every line. We need him afterall in High School Musical because there is a boy part! And David Archuletta better watch it cause Scott has mastered the song, Touch My Hand! Haha. I think I will miss driving in the car, laying on our beds and just jamming to music together. You don’t realize the love you have for your family until they are gone. Make sure you tell people you care about them. If you like to hear it then you can probably guess someone else does too!

I’m eating a carrot stick right now. Random. I was in the store and I saw carrots and was like I really want a carrot. So I bought one!

The rain hasn’t started yet but its really gloomy out. Have you noticed how much the weather can affect your mood? It’s almost funny to me how much. Everyone is so excited and happy on a sunny day, but if its stormy its like oh great! This sucks! Well, I love the rain. It’s peaceful to me. I find it really comforting to hear the rain on the window outside my bedroom while I sleep. It just feels safe to me. Feeling safe…not sure I can think of a better feeling. We all feel it differently. Some of us while we are spending time with our family, Christmas lights, when we are being hugged by that special someone, when we eat a piece of warm apple pie, when we look outside and see freshly fallen snow and nothing has disturbed it. There are so many things that bring that peacefully safe feeling. So take a deep breathe, find something that helps you feel safe, and enjoy the moment… because I know I am.